Frank Fiore – Novelist & Screenwriter

January 14, 2010

Calling All Suspense Writers

Filed under: Jeremy Nash Chronicles — Frank Fiore @ 12:59 PM

I thought this might be a little fun. For two reasons.

First, for you writers out there, a chance to show your stuff. And second, something more shameless – I might get a better scene for my novel.

This is the current scene I am working on. It’s a suspense scene. Two bad guys come into a room to kill two good guys. It’s a good candidate for this experiment because it’s short and well-contained as far as the story goes. You don’t need to know a lot about the story to add your comments or even re-write the scene if you wish.

All you need to know is that Ryvre (a short, plump hippie with long scraggly hair) and the run of the mill hippie are eco-terrorists. Nash is the main protagonist in the story (medium height with auburn complexion, hazel eyes, and straight dark brown hair with an influence of his Native American ancestry– Chiricahua Apache) and Kaya – a young Hopi woman with olive skin that is blemish-free.  Eyes almond shaped.  Cheekbones high and proud.  Her face framed by pitch black hair that hung well below her shoulders who left the reservation to earn her degree in cultural anthropology. Henderson is a tall Welshman dressed yuppie casual– pressed khakis, casual shoes and a green sport shirt.

The full background on Nash is at www.jeremynashonline.com. You can view the 3 minute book trailer there.

Here’s the scene. Have at it!

“I’m sorry I got you into this, Kaya,” Nash said. He reached over and held her hand as they sat on the hard floor of their make-shift jail cell.

“Don’t be,” she replied squeezing his hand. “It was my decision to follow through on this. Remember, I brought your father’s message to you.”

She paused a moment then speculated. “What do you think they’re going to…” Her thought was cut short when the door to their prison swung wide open, banging loudly against the wall.

Kaya and Nash looked up at Ryvre walking quickly towards them. Another hippie followed close behind. Both were carrying side arms.

As the hippie stood back to let his boss revel in the moment, Ryvre stopped just a few feet short of Nash and Kaya huddled on the floor. Nash could see the determination on the Ryvre’s face. His upper lip turned up in a scowl and his eyes burned with hate.

There would be no delay in Ryvre’s actions this time. No discussion. No escape. Just a quick death from the end of the Glock pointed at them.

A moment later there was the cock of a double action Glock.

Kaya buried her head in Nash’s chest as he closed his eyes.

One shot rang out and a body slumped into Nash.

Another shot echoed the first–and Kaya screamed.

Nash opened his eyes and looked to his right. Ryvre was leaning over Kaya, blood and brains covering her from the remains of his head. Nash looked up and the hippie lay motionless in a pool of blood on the floor.

Henderson was standing over him with looked like and Army regulation .45 caliber pistol. His face was ashen white. Nash thought he was going to get sick.

He did.

After Henderson threw up, he looked over at Nash and remarked, “I didn’t buy into mass murder.”

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8 Comments »

  1. “I’m sorry I got you into this,” said Kaya. “Don’t be”Nash said, gritting his teeth. He reached over and held her hand as they sat on the hard floor of their make-shift jail cell, backs against the wall. His mind raced over all that they had been through together, the places, the words exchanged, and the messages they exchanged that were not spoken.

    “Don’t be,” she replied, snapping him out of his thoughts. She squeezed his hand. “It was my decision to follow through on this. Remember, I brought your father’s message to you. No body made you do this for me.” She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Speculating, she wispered into his ear “What do you think they’re going to…” Her thought was cut short when the door to their prison swung wide open, banging loudly against the wall, the sound echoing through the small chamber.

    Kaya and Nash looked quickly to see Ryvre walking towards them. The light blocked their view but they could see another hippie following close behind. Both were carrying side arms.

    The second hippie stood back to let his boss revel in the moment. Ryvre stopped just a few feet short of Nash and Kaya huddled on the floor. Nash could see the determination on the Ryvre’s face. His upper lip turned up in a scowl and his eyes burned with hate. But Nash could see something else in his eyes. Something he had seen before…

    Blood lust.

    As a last attempt Nash gathered his feet about him but before he could move he felt the cold muzzel of Ryvre’s Glock 17 pressed against his forhead. There was no point in dieing like this thought Nash. He pushed back, back to the wall again. Nash put an arm around Kaya, pulling her to him, cradling her head on his chest. No need for her to see death coming faster than the speed of light in the form of 115 grains of jackted lead.

    There would be no delay in Ryvre’s actions this time. No discussion. No escape. Just a quick death from the end of the Glock pointed at them. A moment later there was the cock of a double action Glock.

    Nash closed his eyes and held Kaya closter to himself, waiting for death to come.

    a shot rang out, echoing painfully in the small room. Not but a second later another followed. Nash felt something on his right leg. He opened his eyes to see Ryvre’s corpse spralled on his and Kaya’s legs, the top of his head blow off, blood pooling on the floor, soaking his pants legs. Blood had splatter all over the wall behidn them, as well as a fine mist of brain matter and blood on their clothing.

    Nash looked to the other hippie. Henderson was standing near the door. In his hand he held looked like and Army regulation Colt .45 M1911 pistol. His face was ashen white, eyes wide. Nash thought he was going to get sick.

    He did, placing everthing he had eaten in the past few days on to the floor. He stood there for a moment, hands on his knees, still bent over. Henderson looked up and mumbled “I didn’t buy into mass murder.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and straightned up, turing to leave. As he left, he said over his shoulder, “It is not God’s will that any man should perish”

    Comment by Nic Dugas — January 14, 2010 @ 2:25 PM | Reply

  2. Nick – Damn!! I wish I could write like that. Ever think of being a story polisher or a collaborator?

    Comment by Frank Fiore — January 14, 2010 @ 3:03 PM | Reply

  3. Frank, I have but never really taken the first leap, so to say. Any idea on how to get started? Nic D

    Comment by Nic Dugas — January 14, 2010 @ 4:45 PM | Reply

  4. Nick – as a polisher I would place a post in the different writing groups at LinkedIn. A collaborator is different. To me, that’s co-authorship. Usually one writer is good at plot and characters and the other is good at what you did for my scene and even adding new scenes and/or deleting ones that should be eliminated to make the story flow better.

    The trick with collaboration is to find two people that agree to a process and are able to work together in that process.

    There’s also ghost writing where the writer takes no credit for the book and just collects a fee.

    Comment by Frank Fiore — January 14, 2010 @ 5:01 PM | Reply

  5. Thanks Mr Fiore, I will look into this.

    Comment by Nic Dugas — January 14, 2010 @ 5:11 PM | Reply

  6. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Frank Fiore, Frank Fiore and Frank Fiore, Frank Fiore. Frank Fiore said: #Authors Calling All Suspense Writers – Have some fun. Rewrite my short suspense scene. http://tinyurl.com/yk449oo […]

    Pingback by Tweets that mention Calling All Suspense Writers « Frank Fiore – Novelist & Screenwriter -- Topsy.com — January 14, 2010 @ 11:04 PM | Reply

  7. Minor quibble… I don’t believe Glock sells revolvers, so ‘double action’ doesn’t really apply. Rather perhaps the sound of the slide being pulled back (or ‘worked’) and a round being chambered.

    Comment by Andrew — January 15, 2010 @ 11:31 AM | Reply

  8. Andrew – you are correct.

    The Glock is neither a technically true Single Action, nor a Double Action. Glock calls its action the “Safe Action”, which is close to a Double Action.

    You’re description is closer to the truth. I’ll use that.

    Thanks

    Comment by Frank Fiore — January 15, 2010 @ 11:53 AM | Reply


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